Emotionless; this is how I would describe how I feel at this point in time. Emotionless. In 38 days (or less, depending on when you read this blog) I will be getting on a plane FOR THE FIRST TIME, leaving the United States FOR THE FIRST TIME and landing in Punta Gorda, Belize where I will spend a week sharing my love for Jesus with the children and adults of an orphanage. I still sit here feeling emotionless. It's not that I am not excited to go on this trip, I suppose that I just feel like this is not real life. Who knew that I would get such an amazing opportunity to travel out of the country, work in an orphanage teaching VBS (side note: I'm also an Early Childhood Education major, so this opportunity could not be any more fitting) and just sharing God's grace with these people who long to hear it. For the past few weeks I was beginning to worry about my emotions. Is it okay for me to feel this way? Am I not feeling called to go on this trip? Is this what God wants for me? What's His plan?
I had the opportunity to sit and chat with my future sister in-law about the way I have been feeling. A few years ago she had an amazing opportunity to travel to Papua New Guinea to share God's grace with those people for almost a month. She brought to my attention that I'm in a time of waiting. I was ecstatic when I first felt called to serve on this trip and "signed my life away" to do so. I felt encouraged and supported in the short amount of time that I was able to raise the $1,500+ that I needed in order to attend the trip. And now here we are… waiting. I'll be waiting for these 38 days to pass so that I can do what I've been called to do. My future sister in-law said that they way I am feeling is quite normal, it's like the trip is out of sight - out of mind. When you're preparing it's at the top of your head and your excitement is on high but the moment you're not then those feelings tip-toe away.
Today I decided to take action on my emotions and I went out to get 95% of the supplies and clothing that I will need to take with me. Before leaving my house I decided to do a little bit of research on what type of bug spray (with high DEET of course, because it was recommended by our leaders) I will need to purchase. HOW EXHAUSTING! The one thing that I need to protect myself is also the one thing that could potentially kill me. I was able to find some bug spray, with high DEET, that was military tested and sworn by. Yikes! With a little bit more research on this product I found out that it could stain your clothing and also melt plastic. How is it that there's a product that we can put on our fragile skin but we cannot use on something hard and sturdy like plastic!? Well, out went that idea. I was highly considering organic bug spray but I wasn't quite sure how this would work in another country (it's crazy how immune we are to the way things work here in our country but the moment you travel out of the country everything is COMPLETELY different - what an eye opener for me!). So, I settled for some good ol' OFF bug spray that will hopefully keep the little buggers away!
After spending some time at the store gathering some long skirts, light t-shirts, bug spray, suntan lotion, sunglasses and a compact Bible I am feeling excited again! I immediately came home and got my toiletry bag together, feeling very tempted to take out my suitcase and start packing! Although I'm ready to pack the bags, I think it's time for me to prepare in other ways; it's time for me to sink into God's word and allow Him to guide me spiritually. Although I'm not feeling afraid of any of the unknowns because I highly believe in God's grace, I am feeling a little afraid that I'm not spiritually prepared enough for this journey. I wanted to be bathed in the Holy Scripture and speak the words of Truth but sometimes I find that it's easier said then done. I have times where I am feeling bathed in the Holy Scripture but life easily gets crazy and hectic before you find yourself trying to find your way back there again. I can only guess that this is apart of life? Life would be to easy if we didn't go through struggles or if we knew all the answers to life's questions. My first goal above all else needs to be making myself right with the Lord, listening to His words, pray earnestly and steadfast, and giving Him ALL of me in order to allow him to guide me.
I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. For you will not leave my soul among the dead or allow your holy one to rot in the grave. You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever. [Psalm 16:7-11]
If there's anything you do today, please add me to your prayers.
I will do the same.
Thank you.
** As a side note **
Before I began writing this blog the weather was warm, dark, windy and cloudy.. it sure looked like rain! As I typed the "Thank You" in the text above the sun came out bright as ever and the dark clouds disappeared. I think I will take that as a sign that the Lord is pleased!
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